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Yanang and Lilja-food
For the "Red Oni, Blue Oni" writing prompt.

Warnings: a little cursing, dubious food, and cultural posturing.

"How can you even eat that?"

"What?! The same way I eat everything else! It's good! Want a bite?"

"No, thank you, I try to avoid pork products. They are terrible for my complexion."

"Well yeah, I guess, if you're one of those people who are hung up on conventional beauty standards and don't think hives add a certain something... You could make one with Violet and Musa's veggie bacon, if you wanted, although I think the lack of bacon grease to fry the bread in detracts from something. Hey, where the hell are you going, I was talking!!"

"To make myself some of Musa's ginger-mint tea. If this conversation is to continue, I might need it."

"Oh. I thought I'd finally convinced you that this was the best fucking sandwich ever and you just had to go off and make your own."

"Sorry. I am just not interested in burning my tongue off."

"Yeah, I guess the International Sisterhood of Fat Lesbian Groupies would be unhappy. Although if you're going to be a wuss about it you could use jalapenos."

"You mean there are hotter ones?

"Damn right there are! I've got bird chilies, serranos, and habaneros on this one, plus some chipotles, although they're more there for flavor than heat. There are hotter kinds out there, although Naga Jolokiyas are hard to get around here and I like habaneros better anyway. The fruitiness is a good contrast to all the grease."

"Remind me to introduce you to surströmming, sometime. Actually, do not bother. You would probably enjoy it."

"Is that the buried shark thing?"

"You think Turkey is run by fundamentalists, and yet you have heard of this? Why am I not surprised?"

"Wait, the buried shark thing is Middle Eastern? I thought it was Swedish! Where'd you get a shark in the desert, anyway?"

"Hakarl is not Middle Eastern, or Swedish, it is Icelandic. Sweden may have its flaws, but we are an advanced civilization and would never stoop to... that."

"But you would stoop to whatever surströmming is?"

"Well, I would not. I like my fish not giving off dubious gasses. But it is considered socially acceptable."

"Dubious gasses sound fun. Do they explode?"

"Only if you take the can on an airplane."

"Who'd take a closed can of gas-emitting fish on a plane, anyway?"

"Someone who realized that an open can would stink the place up."

"Hey, you wanna hear what else I put on this thing?"

"You will tell me whether I like it or not, I suppose resistance is pointless."

"You are damn right, Blondie. Well, there's the bacon, and the peppers, and a couple of spicy pickled fish fillets, and - okay, tell you what, I'll start at the beginning. You start by frying the bacon, then you fry a couple cloves of minced garlic in the bacon fat. Take them out, then fry a bunch of sliced red onions in the same pan. Take out the onions, and fry a couple of slices of dark sourdough rye in the oniony, garlicky bacon fat until you get sick of it. Then you make your sandwich with the bacon, the peppers, a couple of those spicy pickled fish fillets, curry mayo, the fried onions, the garlic, some kimchi, some radish sprouts, a good sprinkling of balsamic vinegar, some crumbled blue cheese, and a few of those stinky little dried shrimp."

"I am shocked."

"'Cause you can't believe I made something so awesome?"

"Because you are eating sprouts of your own free will."

"Oh, that. Way I see it, nothing with bacon fat in it can turn you into a hippie."

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This is still funny, but I think something is lost when you aren't performing it.

I guess that's an incentive for me to learn to do podfic, if I ever decide it's that important to show this off to its best advantage.

I'm thinking about buying a voice recorder like the one I used at Evergreen. If I buy it, you're welcome to use it.

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